a fresh start.

So...I have decided to write again. It has been almost 4 years since I last wrote a journal or diary entry, all thanks to Titus. Since it's a couple weeks until the "big" 2-0, I think it's time for a fresh start, a new beginning. I've been thinking lately, and I want to change the way I live my life. I want this coming decade to be one full of surprises - maybe one with many mistakes, but no regrets. I think I still need to find myself, and most importantly, I want to be 'me' and not somebody I dream to be or fantasize about often.

Nobody ever said it's going to be easy...but lately, there just seems to be subtle difficulties standing in the middle of my comfort zone. I'm nervous about school...I know exactly which courses I am going to take for the rest of my undergrad, but what's in store for me next? I've been telling everyone - including myself - that I'm off to Korea after I finish my undergrad. Who knows...maybe I won't have the guts to go. But I know I'll regret not going...maybe I could go a bit later...or maybe I should just go; no regrets, remember? Is it a bit early thinking ahead on the next 2 - 3 years of my life? I think I'm addicted to planning early...In highschool, while everyone was struggling to choose courses for the coming year, I was already done...in fact, I had already chosen everything I wanted to take and had taken note of all pre-requisites in grade 9. That's sorta creepy. But I can't help it.

And work. Last November, I quit Longo's. At first, I was thrilled that I got a job as a cashier. As a kid, I remember always wanting to scan items and hear the "doot doot". Or whatever sound that machine makes now. After awhile, I really hated it. I loved my co-workers...but I started to hate the environment...I felt like I just needed to get out of there. Now, I work at an insurance company. I like the job, but I'm already bored with it. I'm kinda ridiculous. The only thing is...this job doesn't pay much, although my boss told me that she's going to give me a raise today. I don't even know why I got this job (besides for the money). I should have stuck to my guns and tried really hard to find some kids to tutor. For now, I'm stuck with very few hours a week and not enough money to pay off my credit card bill.

I sort of sound like a spoiled brat. I'm complaining about the smallest nuances in life, while many others can't afford to go to school or can't even find a job. I sometimes wonder if it's because I live in the suburbs. Everybody goes through the same phases of life: childhood, elementary, highschool, then university...then get a job, travel some, get married, and have kids. I want all that, but at the same time I'm really craving for something different. I don't want to get old and then realize that I've just had the same life as everybody else...I don't need to be recognized or be famous...but I just want to be happy with it by the end...

Don't get me wrong. It's important to have an education and a job...but what's that special something that I've always felt was waiting for me?

Right now, I think the way to go is....enjoy my summer...spend time with all my friends that I barely get to see during the school year...eat at home more with my parents....and maybe try to show my parents that I'm mature and disciplined enough to not have a curfew. Why do I hate disobeying my parents? I just can't bring myself to do it...unless I'm totally convinced that they are wrong, and I am right. Maybe it's just the way I was raised...or maybe because I'm Chinese...or maybe because I absolutely hate it when people get mad at me, even strangers.

I'm glad that I can sit here in my air-conditioned room, sip on my green tea, and blog with a laptop that I didn't even pay for...but is all mine.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Titus' again...except this time, while he works from home...I'm going to walk Lucas (the beautiful Shetland Sheepdog that I'm absolutely in love with), go buy some groceries...experiment with some recipes, and maybe start reading a new novel.